Sunday, June 19, 2011

The Baby Bump That Lasts Forever.

I recently learned that one of my dearest friends in the world is preggers, prompting a visit to thebump.com in search of a cute, and hopefully useful, Yay for You! gift. This is where I got stuck:


Anyone I know who's pregnant, trying to get pregnant, or even thinking about getting pregnant: Have I got the perfect arts and crafts project for you.


From the product description:


"You may not be pregnant only one time, but you will only be pregnant with this baby one time. (Dang, I thought you could just shove them back in if you wanted to relive a particular pregnancy. Maybe that's why kangaroos have that pouch.) This belly casting art kit is a fine (Only fine? I'd like to see what they consider "great.") way to remember how your belly felt and looked during your gestation period. The kit comes easy to use and non-toxic. (Thank goodness, I was afraid you were expecting people to slather their baby bumps with all kinds of toxic goo.) It comes with 5 rolls of plaster tape, belly casting lubricant, a plastic drop cloth, (And while it's setting you can paint the nursery!) non-latex gloves and a sanding screen for finishing. After it's formed it's so easy to decorate! (As if that belly cast isn't gorgeous enough on its own.)"

As my friend Jill would say, So many questions.

1. Why is this in the Nursery Decor section of the shop? Would someone really make a cast of their belly and hang it on the wall for their baby to gaze at dreamily? I guess since it's "so easy to decorate" you could add paint (and sparkles and feathers if you're so inclined) and make it match your nursery's decor. But does your baby really need to be reminded of a place they won't remember? Wouldn't it kind of freak people out when they went into the nursery? Like, Hey, nice to see you father-in-law! Oh, that? That's just a cast of my pregnant torso. Man, my boobs looked great then, don't you think?

2. Why the boobs? I mean, if I had to guess I'd say it's because if you just did the belly people might not know what it is hanging on the wall, but I also don't know tons of women who just want to hang a cast of their boobs up for all to see.

3. Speaking of the decorating, why? Granted, no one wants to see themselves looking all grey and cakey, but how could you really decorate your belly cast so that it was more decorative and less awkward? If you paint it all pink and white and flowery for a little girl's room, it might make them think being pregnant is all sunshine and rainbows and bunnies, and we certainly wouldn't want to mislead them. If you paint it with some kind of little all-star theme for a boy's room, well, why don't you just send them to Hooters? And if you paint it to look real, well, you just sailed right on past awkward to creepy.

4. Let's assume you aren't going to hang it in the nursery, or that your baby has reached the age where having a cast of their mother's torso while they were "gestating" is no longer appropriate. What do you do with it? It's not likely to be just the conversation piece you were missing to complete your living room. Probably not the most romantic thing to have hanging in your bedroom. Nude art doesn't really go in the kitchen or dining room. The bathroom? You do get naked in there. But it would have to be the master bath, because having guests stuck looking at that while they pee might make for some uncomfortable moments at your next dinner party. It would also have to be a big bathroom, because your belly cast is going to protrude from the wall a little more than standard artwork. I don't know if I'd want to be constantly bumping into myself. I run into door jambs and walls enough already, it would suck to knock myself (and baby!) off the wall. What if I broke my belly cast? It would be like breaking my baby in my belly. Not sure if I could live with that. I guess you could put it in storage, but I think it would be rather cumbersome and fragile, just like some pregnant women.

5. I question the whole "easy to use" part. Sure, the model cast they show looks super adorable, just how a baby bump should look. But I have a feeling that plaster tape + DIY body molding + pregnant lady = bumpy (and not in a good way), lumpy, not-cute baby-belly keepsake.

Of course, there are no product reviews, and none of these questions can be answered until someone actually tries this out. I have a feeling I'm going to be purchasing this in the near future. Friend, I apologize in advance.

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