Looking forward, but not to looking back.

Lately I have been thinking about my ten year high school reunion. But Liz, you think, you have two more years until that somewhat depressing milestone. Why are you thinking about that now, instead of, oh, I don't know, finding a job? Believe me, I am thinking about finding a job, a sad train of thought that leads me to other equally depressing subjects. Plus, I just turned 27 (so close to 30 it hurts) and I went to Scott's ten year reunion with him in July...let's just say there are many reasons. However, I must admit, the main reason is Facebook.


Yes, that wonderful website that keeps us all abreast of what friends and non-friends alike are doing. I must admit, there are many people whose friend requests I have accepted in hopes that I would look at where they are now and feel better about where I am. (Be honest with yourself, you've done the same thing.) Anyway, I recently received a friend request from a high school classmate that I wasn't too fond of "back in the day." No specific incident to refer to, I just didn't really like the girl, thought she was a hateful bitch, that sort of thing. I heard rumors back in college that she had a nervous breakdown and dropped out, and to tell the truth, I didn't feel that bad for her. So when I saw the friend request, morbid curiosity forced me to accept.

Of course, being in class at the time, I immediately engaged in some classic Facebook-stalking activity, checking out her profile, looking at all of her pictures, the whole shebang. She is married with kids, it doesn't look like she ever finished college and I don't know that she has a job. Scoping out her pictures, I flattered myself that the last eight years have been much kinder to me than they have to her in the looks department, but I suppose I should make allowances for her baby-making and rugrat-chasing activities.


So what's the point? The point is, dear reader, that this all got me thinking about what that impending reunion will be like. Who will be fat? Who will look like they've been rode hard and put up wet? Will the girls and guys who walked around like their shit didn't stink be stuck in our hometown with three kids and dead-end jobs? Will people who didn't much like one another act like they were BFF once-upon-a-time?


I know my BFF and I have had big plans ever since we graduated good ol' Chucky Page to show up looking smokin' hot, all educated and with great jobs. However, life has since knocked us on our asses, laughed and said, what the hell were you thinking? Don't get me wrong, we're not complete losers, I just know that neither of us are anywhere near where we pictured we would be at this point in life, and being planners and control-freaks, it's been hard to swallow. It's hard not to look at my own Facebook page and think, how do I measure up?

And that brings on a whole new set of issues: Well, I'm in school now, but what about a job? Do I even want to be a lawyer anymore? What the hell else could I do that wouldn't make me feel like a waste of all that potential I had in high school? How much time do I have to fit back into my high school jeans size?


But really, isn't the big question why the hell do I care? I mean, come on, I don't communicate with most of these people, I don't even want to communicate with most of them. I hope everyone I was friends with is happy and doing well and screw the rest. Yet I look forward to this reunion that is nearly two years away with a certain degree of anxiety, wondering what all these people who knew me before I was a jaded law student, back when I was an optimistic cheerleader/drama geek who thought she had the world at her fingertips, will think of the person I am now. I fear that I won't meet their expectations. And I fear that in not meeting the expectations of my youth (good lord, that makes me sound old) I will have failed at something, although I'm not quite sure just what that something is.


I realize this is all a bit self-indulgent, and perhaps sounds as though I'm unhappy or dissatisfied with my life. That's not really the case. I have a husband I love and who adores me, friends I know I can count on for anything and who can count on me, wonderful parents and in-laws who never cease to support me and three dogs who always act thrilled to see me when I get home, even if I have only been gone twenty minutes. Law school sucks, but I am certainly not alone in those sentiments, and I am enjoying my internship right now. And while I have pretty much come to accept the fact that I probably won't have a firm job, or really any job as a lawyer, when I graduate, I have started considering what I am truly passionate about, which isn't a bad thing.

So why worry about what a group of people who knew me ten years ago and who I likely won't see again until our twenty year reunion think? I honestly don't know. I just know that occasionally I think about it. Then I think about all the decisions that got me here, and about how just one or two different choices could have put me somewhere else entirely. And then I tell myself what my mom always tells me when I am frustrated with how things are going: everything happens for a reason. Don't we all just wish we knew what the reasons are?