Mid-Semester Blues.

It's that time of year again. Fall break is a fond memory, the hectic holidays are looming, classes have settled into a predictable pattern (except for one class which seems to morph into an ever-more frustrating monster twice a week) and all I want to do is stay home and sleep.

Instead, here I sit, probably catching swine flu on the Metro, headed to work, which I would love if classes didn't get in the way, throwing myself a pity party.

But these aren't just any mid-semester blues, friends. No, this year they find me in a very existential mood, wondering what exactly I think I'm doing with my life and if perhaps I should be doing something else. Blame it on the economy and my resultant joblessness, blame it on the fact that my law school career is drawing to an end and I find little to comfort my anxiety that this has been the most expensive mistake I have ever made, blame it on my knack for deciding that I want to be one thing when I grow up only to change my mind as soon as the end of one part of my journey draws near, just please, help me find something to blame!

I suppose that I would feel this way even if I had an amazing job lined up for after graduation. There's a little voice inside that pipes up whenever I get too far down one path to turn back, and it always has the same thing to say: Ugh. How boring. I can't believe this is what you have settled on. After all the big plans we made, after all the big things everyone expected of you. What a waste. And my response: But I don't know what else to do. This seemed like such a good idea. I thought I'd love this, be excited about it, look forward to getting out there in the real world. I thought I could be amazing at this. The voice: Heh. So what if you are amazing at this? What difference does it make? Who cares? Are you going to look forward to getting up in the morning for this? Me: Probably not, but I just don't know where I'm supposed to go from here...

Passion seems to be lacking. Not in me, I'm passionate about lots of things, Scott, my friends and family, my crazy misfit dogs, reproductive rights, the fact that Mr. Pibb is NOT the same as Dr. Pepper, I could go on and on. Yet I find myself searching for passion in my career choices. I think I can find it, I'm just not sure how. I mean, let's be honest, if I had my choice, I'd totally be a Gwen Stefani-esque rock star, and parlay that into so many other things, such as a shoe line, opening up a center for "troubled" teen girls where they could get advice on everything fron birth control to fashion (because when you know you look good, you feel sooo much better about yourself!) and a no-kill shelter for animals. But since God has not seen fit to bless me in the vocal department, there must be another way to get where I want to be. While I feel I've exhausted my supply of doors, I'm still looking for that open window. If anyone happens across it, prop it open so I don't miss it.